When Helping Hurts.

You know the type. The friend, coworker, or family member who never starts with “How are you?” because their crisis takes priority. There’s always a fire to put out, always a story to unload, and without even realizing it, you’re always right in the middle of it. Their bad day spills into your already overflowing week, and before you know it, you're carrying more than just your own mental load. You're carrying theirs too.

As moms, we’re already juggling enough. We're keeping tiny humans alive, showing up for our partners, managing homes, work, schedules, expectations, and trying to find a scrap of ourselves in between it all. The last thing we need is to absorb the emotional weight of someone else’s life. Especially when that relationship is one-sided and draining. There’s a difference between supporting a friend and being their support system, and if you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you’ve just run a marathon in your head, you might be dealing with someone who’s emotionally exhausting. Before you know it, you find yourself feeling anxious and tense before interacting with them because you can anticipate being their emotional dumping ground.

So how do we recognize these people? And more importantly, how do we protect our peace without feeling guilty?

The hardest part in all of this is that it doesn’t always come from a bad place. Most of the time, these are people we care about and want to help. I’ve come in contact with a lot of people who fit this description lately, and to be fair, I don’t think they even realize they’re doing it. They aren’t trying to manipulate or overwhelm. They just don’t have the tools, or the awareness to hold space for themselves, so they ask others to do it for them.

It can feel like a compliment when someone confides in you. It’s validating to be seen as trustworthy, empathetic, or dependable. We all want to be there for the people we love and we should be there for the people we love, but sometimes the things people share are HEAVY. When they share things without boundaries or awareness of what you might be carrying, it can feel suffocating.

If you’re someone who likes to help (hi, same) you probably find this balance very tricky. You might even feel guilty for needing space. As women, and especially as moms, we’re conditioned to show up for everyone. We’re taught that helping is part of who we are. That helping is showing love, but helping doesn’t always mean fixing. And support doesn’t mean sacrificing your sanity. Sometimes, helping looks like listening but not absorbing.

So where’s the line? When does helping go too far?

At this current stage in my life, I don’t have the luxury of endless energy. *INSERT TAYLOR SWIFT QUOTE* My emotional reserves are for my children, my husband, and myself. This may sound selfish to some, but if there is one thing I’ve learned over the past 8 years of motherhood is that being selfish will save you and there’s no shame in it. If supporting someone else costs you your own peace, then you’re doing it wrong. It’s ok to distance yourself from someone or a group of people who make you feel like this.

While this is about YOU, your mental state, your reserved energy, don’t forget one really important thing: Your kids are watching.
When they see you constantly put your own needs second, or rearrange things to make someone else’s life easier, they learn that’s normal. When they see you stressed, depleted, and saying yes to everything while clearly wanting to say no, they think that’s what love looks like. I want my kids to grow up knowing it’s okay to set boundaries. That it’s okay to say no. I so badly want to raise emotionally healthy humans, and in order to do that, I have to model emotional self respect.

I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking that saying no is rude. I want them to know that their voice matters. That setting a boundary doesn’t make them difficult, it makes them emotionally healthy. The only way they’ll really believe that is if they see their parents doing it first. That’s what I mean when I say I’m trying to model emotional self-respect.

Now let me tell you something that might make a few people roll their eyes, my kids are not afraid to hurt my feelings. I know that’s not something every parent would brag about, but I am bragging about it.

In a perfect world they’d listen the first time, never roll their eyes, and jump up to clean their rooms just because I asked, but what I really love (not in the moment, obviously) is that they feel safe enough to speak up. To say, “I don’t want to do that.” To tell me when they don’t like something I’ve said or done. They know they can express themselves to both me and their father, even if it’s inconvenient for us in the moment. It’s never easy, because manners and mutual respect are both expected in my home. So, just another thing to balance, but to me it’s a priority. I want kids who listen, but I want kids who think.

At the end of the day, we don’t get extra points for running ourselves into the ground for other people, especially when we’re doing it at the expense of our own peace, our families, and our mental well being.

It’s okay to be the friend who listens. It’s okay to be the one people trust. But it’s also okay to protect your energy like the limited resource it is. You don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your heart, your time, or your headspace.